Starting the Journey

Ah! there you are! Come on in. That's it - snuggle up in your blanket. Have a nice warm mug of tea. Take a deep breath. It’s okay; this is a safe place - it's just you and me and nobody else can hear us. We're going to go through this healing at your pace. Anytime you want to stop that’s okay. In fact, I want you to take this really, really slowly.

And, at the end of a session, stop for a while. Digest it; notice what you're feeling. Give yourself some time and space before carrying on.

This work we're doing is about healing, and healing is a process. Whatever happened to you, however long ago, whatever made you book a gentle screening call, none of how you responded, survived, coped since has happened all at once or overnight, did it? It's going to take a little while to understand why the adult you is like this, to reduce the overwhelming response to some of the triggers that make intimacy and relationships difficult, to undo some of the ways you’ve learned to cope, to let go of all that crap. You’ve done so well and I’m proud of you.

We’ve only just met and I don’t expect you to trust me fully yet. I suggest that you have a notebook to write down the things that occur to you as you go on this healing journey. Any notebook will do – a simple reporter's spiral bound pad, or a more substantial hardback with an inspirational meme, or anything in between. Keep it where you can jot down anything that comes up. Make sure you have a pen clipped to it. It might be in your bag, in the car, by your bed. What’s important is to keep it for this work, and to be honest with yourself. There are no right or wrong answers. Write what you think, feel, believe, know.

Map Reading 101

Sometimes the people I work with on their intimacy and relationship difficulties have experienced abusive situations in childhood. I don’t know you yet, so I don’t know what exactly what that means for you, but please believe me that I am so sorry that it happened. For some people the experience was inappropriate touching against your wishes, or sexual assault by another person. For others there may have been violence in the home. Others yet will have had the drip-drip-drip effect of neglect by those that were supposed to care for you. Some may have had a single catastrophic event that still affects them day-to-day. Growing up with parents or carers who had their own problems with domestic abuse, substance misuse or enduring mental health issues can also cause trauma.

We're going to cover a lot of stuff. We're often aware of what seems to be the immediate issue – another failed relationship, a meltdown , getting triggered, disconnection or freexing, panic attacks – but there may be more subtle signs. It’s like those Russian matryoshka dolls; each one comes apart and reveals another inside. House-cleaning or hoarding, your preference for quick showers to baths, or social media to real life,  nostalgia or fantasy to reality, for example, are things that you may not have associated with the painful experiences you had as a child. I'm guessing that you have a myriad of ‘behaviours' that are in some way an attempt to deal with that hurt.

I understand that you might want to just skip to the problem that you identified - or other people pointed out. But you wouldn’t watch a film or read a novel that way, would you? You don’t just go straight to the big showdown between the hero and the enemy, or where the detective outwits the criminal, or the big production number in a musical. You watch from the beginning, getting to know the characters and what makes them tick, what their strengths are, and how they react under pressure. This is your chance to learn about you, look at your backstory and how that shaped you. We need to do that to appreciate the ending. I can’t guarantee a ‘happy ever after’ but I hope you’ll be stronger, more aware and better equipped by starting at the beginning. It might even lead to an amazing sequel...

Got your notebook and pen?

Sitting comfortably?

Ready to make a start?

Let’s go...

Embracing Personal Timing in the Journey of Rediscovery

If you are reading this because you love someone who has experienced childhood trauma, thank you for caring and wanting to know more. If you’re a people-helper by trade, you’re welcome! - that's my background too. There will, I hope, be something of interest. Some of the ideas may not fit with current mainstream strategies – but slowly the caring professions are recognising that adult behaviour is often a trauma response.

A word of warning, though; you need to accept that you cannot force anybody to ‘try this' – they will find it when they are ready. Have you ever read a book or watched a film and just not got all the hype, only to rediscover it years later and it makes perfect sense? Sometimes they're not ready to go on the journey, even if someone has booked the tickets and packed their suitcases. Have you ever read a book or watched a film and just not got all the hype, only to rediscover it years later and it makes perfect sense? Most importantly, you cannot fix them. They are not broken. This is not an exercise in kintsugi, mending pottery with gold. This is reintegration, not repair. Only the person who had the experience can collect the jigsaw pieces and put them together again to make the picture that they want to see now.